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Note: Cavalcade originally ran in November 2005. TO was basics then, too. The contest of the accomplished anniversary acquired us analysis the contempo history of Absolute Apple T.O. We now accompany the cavalcade already in progress…

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It’s adequate bright clear that Terrell Owens’ absorbing football resume will be overshadowed by his aberration aback it comes time to accommodate with a new aggregation this offseason.

TO isn’t batty in a Ron Artest “Let’s asphyxiate out a accidental fan in the crowd” way or alike a Ricky Williams “I’m activity to abound a huge bristles and smoke edger for a living” way, he’s aloof a victim of full-on delusion.

There’s little agnosticism that he and his abettor Drew Rosenhaus absolutely accept that their adeptness to account massive disruptions and altercation is a apparatus to accretion advantage in their negotiations.

According to Andy Reid and the Eagles, they’re wrong.

Now that TO has been abeyant for the season, he ability be out attractive for assignment for a few months. I couldn’t advice but admiration what activity would be like for him in the absolute world—a apple area bodies aren’t accustomed raises because they bandy tantrums.

For example, what would TO’s timeline of aberration attending like if, say, he were a artisan in the fast aliment industry….

June 2002 – TO gets off to a bouldered alpha at McDonald’s when, on his aboriginal day, he expresses his abhorrence for the aggregation dress cipher afterwards seeing that one-piece, full-body unitards are not adequate assignment attire.

June 2003 – Afterwards a year of solid achievement for the aggregation with no notable incidents, TO storms into management’s appointment and demands a pay raise. He wants to be the accomplished paid agent because he fabricated way added orders of chips than the authorization adept did aftermost year.

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July 2003 – Owens is offered a three percent “cost of living” pay access by the company. In response, he skips the abutting three canicule of assignment for what he claims are “personal issues” and allotment to the appointment on the fourth day dressed in alone a one-piece, full-body Under Armor unitard.

He is reprimanded by administration and beatific home for the day.  Instead, he gain to set up a columnist appointment in the McPlayground, continuing in the Hamburglar’s cage while blubbering about how bargain the aggregation is.

December 2003 – At the aggregation Christmas party, Owens gives anniversary agent a archetype of the bounded bi-weekly in which he was interviewed and quoted as adage that he believes that Grimace is a gay.

Later at the Christmas party, Owens claims his comments were taken out of context. ###MORE###

March 2004 – Terrell bound becomes a admired of the kids who appointment his McDonald’s afterwards he begins assuming celebratory dances aloft affable up a acceptable accumulation of fries.   TO is additionally pulled abreast by administration and asked to stop verbally cheeky those assemblage who accept not to “large size” their fries.

December 2004 – Miffed that McDonald’s did not abatement into a banking coast during a abiding absence due to “personal reasons”, Owens releases statements to the aggregation newsletter that his restaurant would be authoritative added money with the administrator from the bounded Long John Silver’s active it. 

He additionally claims the agents at McDonald’s is “full of nerds and animal chicks.” And that there “aren’t abundant mirrors,” in the complex.

Upon his return, Owens claims that his comments were taken out of ambience and that the publishers of the newsletter are manipulating him.

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December 2004 – McDonald’s fires Owens.

February 2005 – Owens is assassin by Burger King.  Afterwards accordant to $7 an hour, he anon holds out for $10 an hour.

June 2005 – Owens complains to his bang-up that he isn’t accepting abundant time alive the drive through window. 

Also claims that Burger King isn’t maximizing sales of Sausage Croissandwichs because the buyer is a acquaintance of the adjoining Hardee’s store.

July 2005 – Multiple barter accuse aback Terrell begins autographing the buns of anniversary Meatnormous Breakfast sandwich that he cooks.

September 2005 – TO makes his 100th acknowledged duke off at the drive thru window and is abashed to acquisition out that Burger King doesn’t accept a anniversary lined up for him.  He claims that the aggregation has “no class” and that neither barter nor advisers absolutely accept things “their way” like the byword says.

November 2005 – Burger King is affected to admonishment TO afterwards he showed up at the adjacency Wendy’s cutting a Burger King acme and bistro a Whopper. Afterwards actuality asked to leave, Owens runs to the average of the restaurant, slams bottomward his Whopper and spits on the manager. 

In the aggregation adventure address he says he “was aloof accepting fun”, that he absolutely loves Wendy’s and he would apparently like to assignment there.

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November 2005 – Burger King fires Terrell Owens. He’s appealing abiding that with his acclaimed ability with French fries, he could potentially acreage with Rally’s or at White Castle.

December 2005 – TO apologizes to his administrator and the agents through the drive thru and tells them that he absolutely loves them and it’s crushing him that he’s never activity to abrasion the BK acme again.

UPDATED …

June 2006 – Owens sets up a de facto weight allowance at a Jack in the Box parking lot and performs a accessible workout. Rosenhaus, dressed as buyer Jack, is Owens’ official spotter.

November 2006 – Four months afterwards signing a three year accord to assignment the Jack in the Box drive thru, Terrell abundantly whispers to adolescent advisers that the old, austere abundance administrator with man boobs charge be replaced with a cozy, affable fat man.

January 2007 – The buyer with the artificial face, Mr. Jack In the Box, fires the abundance manager. Owens confidently talks about bigger abundance allure and a laid aback attitude 10 account afterwards the anterior agent meeting.

October 2007 – Owens drops four accoutrements of amount meals. The advantageous barter acknowledge by babble and agreeable at him.

November 2008 – Terrell accuses the arch accountant and abettor drive-thru accommodation of artful to get T.O. beneath bags.

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March 2009 – Jack in the Box fires Owens. Realizing his options are limited, he signs a one year accord with Arby’s.

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